My head was spinning from the message and excited to be seeing Karen.I hurried to the front of the student center to wait for Karen. She came up a moment later. She looked flustered but smiled when she saw me at the same spot. She came up to me and lightly kissed my lips. She said, “Is this your spot?”I replied, “It’s my lucky spot, my very lucky spot.”She smiled that thousand watt smile and chuckled at me. “What’s on the to do list today?”I said, “We have an hour and a half before we need to eat. I would like to walk with you. Then I would like to eat lunch with you. We need to talk. I got a message last night on my phone though I never heard it ring.”We set our books down out of the way and walked hand in hand. She said, “Okay, first what is the plan for tonight?”I said, “Do you like Italian or Chinese better?”“Chinese though it’s close.”“Okay, Tokyo House for dinner and then a concert. The college orchestra is playing Mozart tonight.”She stopped pulling me around to face her.. Either the floor really was rocking, or I was, like, seriously messed up. No, it was rocking; I could see the flowers in the vase rock too. OK – if it's real rocking, then maybe this was a boat. I'd been on a boat before – walking was just a matter of timing your steps to the rocking.The small door behind me looked like a bathroom door, and it was. I didn't turn on the light – bathrooms have mirrors, and I desperately didn't want to see myself. I fumbled for the toilet seat, lifted it, undid my jeans, and pushed them down. Steadying myself on the wall, I sat, and let flow.My pee smelled and stung. I peed a lot. Dehydration. Drink water dummy.And then I was like, Why? I was supposed to be dead. Peace and quiet and dead. Why couldn't I be dead? I couldn't even kill myself successfully, not even with pills and a bridge to jump off of. Fuck, Fuck, FUCK. I felt tears tickle the corners of my eyes. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want anything. What I wanted was nothing, or really,.
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